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Plan B

In an all too Christian
fashion
I have born witness
to the harm
I have received

To believe in Christianity
is to see something specific

Look

Look at the pain He has suffered
and at our hands

Except we separate ourselves
as best we can
from the hands
that crucify

Putting distance between ourselves
and those who would do
such a horrible thing

I saw the Father who would send His son
to experience such a thing
and could not love Him

I had to back away from the agony
of that religion

The pain of it spun me
and made me want to vomit

Unpleasant
beyond unpleasant
unthinkable
disgusting
dire
not mine

Not mine

I don't want to claim that script
for my life story

Lord
forgive me
I do not want to walk in your shoes
Your shoes are wet with your own blood
Your shoes are caked with pain

Yet here I have walked
covered in the scars
of those who have torn
me
nailed to my grand cross
in the center of my chart

hurting
wounded
wild
no longer trusting of the light
or the dark
or anything in between

Like a puppy on a randomly wired floor
getting a jolt now and then
neurotic and shivering in a corner of the pen
afraid to move
afraid to stay put

I have known that pain
I have known that fear

Living among you has been hard

Living with me has been difficult as well

In the dark I am acutely aware
that I too have done my share of harm

Is any of that crucifixion His fault?

Shouldn't He have known better
than to stand up
shamelessly
to the powers that be?

Maybe He had it coming
for stirring up
so much trouble

like a woman
responsible
for her own rape

Maybe I had it coming
too

I should have known better

Should have loved myself more
had more self-respect
than to wind up so ill treated
for such a long time

I didn't though

Twelve years of Catholic education
did not make me love myself

Beware the role models
you give children

An hour long daily dose
of a thirty foot statue
of a crucified man
dying
not yet dead

in the throes
of His agony
His passion
to show us
what he was willing to bear
on our behalf

But my point is this

it shouldn't be so awful

There is no need for so
much pain

It's extreme
It's nasty
Cut it out

I am tired of carrying
a cross
Christian
or astrological

I can walk away from belief
in them both
though I might live them out
unconsciously

I'd rather make a conscious
decision
here and now
to put down whatever Christian cross
I still carry
and say
enough

Enough of this
Enough of this ugly desert religion
this penile pissing match

Enough of the torture
you emulate
you worship
you adore

Enough

I give up my cross
and
go home

As for the astrological one
I have been told
that I will have it
one way or the other

but I can carry it
or dance upon it

so I opt for the latter

I am very much done
with carrying crosses

On to Plan B

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